Introduction

So just to get this out of the way up front – these posts are not about dying in a metaphorical sense. God, no god, afterlife, reincarnation not the focus of my words. This is about the nuts and bolts of what has to be done after someone dies. This process can be so mind numbing that I wish to whack my head against the wall, so I’m reframing this as a lesson for myself and others in how to get through this process with sanity intact.

A couple of disclaimers

1. I am not a lawyer, financial professional, CPA or professional in the funeral-industrial complex. Don’t take my words as gospel, they’re just guidelines (or maybe suggestions as the movie says).
2. I am living and dealing with probate and estate law in the state of Colorado. Other states may do things differently. If I know there’s a difference because of the state, I’ll try to make that clear.
3. In this case, we are dealing with a single person who has died. Many of these things are made easier with a surviving spouse, since most property can be fairly easier transferred to a surviving spouse. But most of us will eventually deal with the death of a single parent at some point.
4. I’m happy to answer questions, if I can. Feel free to ask.

And a final disclaimer – I am writing about this process with the consent of my husband, whose mother, Jo Ann, is the one that died. I will refer to her by name, but I will try to keep personal details to a minimum.

Lesson 1 – What should I have and where should I put it?

Though many people never get around to it, there are papers you can create that will make dealing with your death easier for those left behind. The number one document folks think of is a will. No doubt, having a will will facilitate everything that comes after. There are  upfront costs involved in having a lawyer prepare a will, but they are nothing against the extra costs that can be incurred by not having one. There are online services that can create wills at lesser costs and they are better than not having a will, but they are not as good as one created by a lawyer. (No I am not being paid by any law firm. Consumer Reports just reported as much.)

Part of having a will, however, it telling someone where it is. Reasonably, someone other than you should know where your will is. In Jo Ann’s case, she hadn’t told us, but she did tell her lawyer where it would be. But she never got the will to where she said it would be. We did find it, but it would’ve been nice to avoid the search.

As part of her will, Jo Ann also created an advances medical directive, something we didn’t need to use, but I am glad she had made those wishes known to us. There were other document that would have made it easier for us to conduct her affairs if she had been incapacitated.

In addition to the will, the survivors should be able to find life insurance policies, pension & IRA statements, house deeds & mortgages, medical insurance cards, social security numbers, income tax returns, birth certificate, divorce papers, military records, CDs, bank statements & check book, vehicle titles, and unpaid bills. And that’s not the entire list, just the highlights. You are going to need to contact all these folks, eventually.

We had things pretty easy. Jo Ann was very organized with her bills and finances, so we didn’t have to look too far to find stuff. But amassing all that stuff took time.

And then there’s what to do with the remains. Now this is a conversation most people would rather die than have, which is why so many do die without talking with anyone. When the will is written, the wishes of the decedent can be written in, but that doesn’t much info to the survivors about what type of service if any the decedent may have wanted. I’m one of those who think that if you don’t make these choices while you are alive, and then tell your loved ones what you want, you’re just going to make things harder for them when you die. Seems like a cruelty from beyond.

If you served in the military, you may be entitled to military honors at your funeral. If there’s a question as to whether you want such honors, let your loved ones know. It might be something that matters to them more than to you.

Finally, having access to the deceased’s phone book and calendar is very handy. There may be appointments to cancel, friends to call or accounts to cancel that may only show up in these places.

There are more papers to follow, but those will appear in later lessons.

Next up – Lesson 2 – Estate. probate and you.